Being proud of my accomplishments.
I know I talk a good game about motivation and inspiration and loving yourself and your body….but I am very hard on myself. All the time. And about pretty much everything from food to fitness to life. I try a lot of different ways to get me out of this funk when I tend to fall into it (way too often, might I add), but there are some days/weeks/months where I constantly think of my failures.
But that does NOT help me get better, and it’s stupid.
This week in the #Last90Days, Rachel posted a video about not giving up and failure. Failure is just growth. The road to success is failure on top of failure. And she said this phrase that I have been meditating on all week:
“We’re not standing on a mountain top of success; we are standing on a mountain built of failures, but we are standing on top of them instead of buried underneath them.”
I can’t tell you how much that resonated with me. And it couldn’t have come at a better time. Because last Saturday I failed my AFAA Group Fitness Instructor exam. Failed. And it sucked! I purposely didn’t tell a lot of people that I was taking it—or even that I was studying for it—because I was afraid of failure. And the failure happened and I felt so defeated. I could go into excuses about how the questions were worded differently and how maybe I just panicked and forgot things (which are both true), but the truth is that I just didn’t study hard enough. And now I know what I need to focus on in my next few weeks of studying before I take it again, which makes me feel better.
But, as I was spiraling into self-loathing on Saturday, I kept thinking back to alllll of my failures that I’ve run into all my life. Work, school, fitness, life….the big ones all kept playing over and over in my head which made me feel SO much worse than I probably should have. I was so mean to myself, thinking terrible thoughts and telling myself truly negative things that I would never speak out loud to someone else. It’s how I felt that I needed to cope with my current failure….just needed to embrace the sadness. I also ate a double cheeseburger and fries from Culver’s which was SO GOOD and I regret nothing of that choice ;)
When I woke up on Sunday morning, I was a different person. I was motivated to eat well, to grocery shop, to meal prep, to clean and organize my apartment. I had a GREAT day!! I knew my mindset had changed and I was preparing myself for the #Last90Days challenge to make sure I could start out strong. Monday rolled around and I was READY!! I pushed those negative thoughts aside and started my day great.
And then I watched that video from Rachel.
Sometimes I think God puts certain people or things in our lives to remind us that we are not perfect. I realized after watching that video, doing some more thinking this week, and talking with my boyfriend that I am a perfectionist, but not in everything….just in myself. When I attempt something, I tend to go all in, and if I mess up then I beat myself up over it; even if it’s the smallest misstep. Like counting macros, for example. I really enjoy this and feel like it is helping me figure out how to stay healthy and fit, but I still struggle to find a good balance and not go off my macros. I feel like some days I have no self control so I give up counting all together. And then there are other days where I am so on top of counting that even if I am starving I won’t let myself eat anything that isn’t in my plan because I don’t want to “ruin my macros”.
I struggle with giving myself grace.
This week I have taken a step back and really tried to embrace all of my accomplishments that I have reached, despite the failures along the way. Here are just a few that I came up with that I want to remind myself of:
I have run 11 half marathons. Eleven!!! And this month I’ll run my 12th!! I often downplay these, probably because I have been running for almost 7 years and it just seems like second nature to me. And I also have remained pretty consistent with my time for the last 5 years. When I get in a funk, I compare myself to others who are constantly getting faster with their times, but I need to remember that I am not a competitive runner and this is a pretty freaking awesome thing that I have accomplished.
I RAN A FULL MARATHON. 26.2 miles. I crossed that finish line. I got a medal. I sobbed. I couldn’t move for 2 days. It may have taken me over 6 hours, but I DID THAT!!!! I cannot keep putting that aside and acting like it’s not a big deal. BECAUSE IT IS.
I can make it through a Barre class without throwing up or wanting to die. This is weird, but I’m pretty proud that I have found Barre and that I love it so much!!
I can use a 15lb. kettlebell for most exercises. Basically, I feel strong and I am proud of the strength I have developed.
I have been in 20+ community theater shows. I miss theater, and I remember how much fun it was to be part of those!
I am a good singer. I love to sing and when I practice enough I know I am good at it. I don’t like to show it off because I know I am not good enough to be professional, but I am a good singer and I need to embrace that.
I can travel on my own. I think this is something to be proud of that I can travel on my own, and I enjoy it! I enjoy my solidarity because I find things to do and meet new people along the way. Of course I enjoy traveling with others as well, but it is pretty great that I can embrace traveling alone.
These are all amazing things, and I need to keep reminding myself of how amazing they are. Because it is SO EASY to focus on the negative and see our failures spread out in front of us instead of embracing our successes. It won’t be something I can change overnight—to always focus on the good stuff—but I can keep doing little things every day to get there again.